I am good at the first part of that…not so much that latter.

Why is it that there are certian people who always seem to be getting screwed over by others, or over and over again fall into the same holes? Its a simple matter of human error, until we are emotionless robots, that error will always exist…which means it will exist forever, because without emotion, people would become machines, no mistakes, no room for error, ruthless killing machines, and essentially…a world full of sociopaths. HA! With all the problems that emotion causes, that doesn’t sound too bad huh? 

I beleive that there are truly only three kinds of people. The ones that are compassionate, the ones that are manipulators, and the ones that WERE compassionate. It seems that the manipulators are getting so much better at what they do, the compassionate ones are simply getting better at falling for the same bullshit over and over again, and the used-to-be compassionate ones are just getting more cynical. It is a real-world example of ‘The nice guys finish last’. I think more people are realizing that, and so there are less and less ‘nice guys’ and  more and more douche bags. It makes perfect sense, but I don’t understand it.

After being the one that always gets screwed over, it is so easy to become cynical and cold towards people, for fear that you will just re-live the same situations and relationships all over again. And at the same time, sometimes its just not in your nature to be that way. Somewhere inside, the nice guys will always be the nice guys, and the true douche bags will always be the douche bags. Its a matter of opposites. The world could not function without forces to work against eachother, just like a hero needs a villian, the sun needs the moon, good needs evil, love needs hate,yin needs yang…the tick needs the tock……ha…

 So really, which one are you? Somewhere,everyone knows which one they are, its having the strength to actually think about it and accept it, or figure out how to change it if need be….that is the problem. No one knows how to do that. Its so much easier said than done.

Think about THAT.

I’ll tell you the story:

Phase 1:Addiction

Once upon a time, I was an uncontrollable drug addict…

For a long period of my younger days, I resorted to drinking,snorting,smoking,popping, anything that was thrown in front of me. It wasn’t necessarily because I enjoyed it, but more becuase I needed something to numb me. I was, just like many young kids, a troubled person. I came from a broken family, my mom was re-married soon after my parent’s divorce, and I had a lot of identity issues about who I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to do, what was expected of me….

At the beginning, the drugs were a sheet to hide under, nothing more…I hated it,I hated being in something else’s control, but that’s what I needed. I would have gone absolutely crazy if I had actually felt all of the emotions that were suppressed those years. …though after a while, I came to enjoy the numbness…I didn’t want to ever feel again, but I was running out of money to support my habits, so I started selling…to help other people drown out their feelings…but mostly to help myself keep my own under wraps…

But after months of never being in a normal state of mind, and almost getting caught selling a few times, I decided to quit…I was starting to miss feeling emotion…because now, I not only didn’t feel the bad ones, but I also didn’t feel the good ones, I didn’t feel a thing…so I tried, but the with-drawls were so bad, that  I couldn’t…this is when I started to get scared.

A few more months went by, I just did enough to support the drugs in my system already, but my tolerance was so high, I never got as high anymore…it was pointless. So I stopped selling, I couldn’t, I had to do what I had, and made the decision to just deal with the with-drawl, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough, and I couldn’t do it alone…

So I told my father. The last person in the world I should have ever told, which is precisely why I did. I knew that by telling him, I was ending my life as it was. I wouldn’t be able to  move freely, or even breathe without him watching, and that’s what it would take to end my addictions…no matter how unpleasant it would be…or how pissed off I would get.

Phase 2: Withdrawl

The with-drawls began that night…24 hours without a single toke or line or swig of anything..and I was feeling it…I sat in my room, shaking and convulsing, all alone for 3 days. I puked out every bit of internal organ I had left, I sweated out every poisonous substance in my blood, and all I could do to stay sane was smoke cigarettes, and try to stomach a glass of water now and then….

Phase 3:Recovery

I began recovery in June 2008, after the initial smack in the face of withdrawls. The physical was over for now, but the mental would last for years. So I started therapy, and talked to a nice christian woman named Susan. She saved my life. I told her everything on my mind, I told her about the addictions, what I had done, why, we would sit in her office on the floor and she would watch me draw pictures on big pieces of paper, I would tell her about dreams I was having….she helped, but still I felt there was something missing….she wasn’t being completely honest with what she thought was going on with me, even though I told her to tell me what she thought, no matter how crazy..nothing could phase me now. After about a month though, she began diagnosing and testing for all these mental illnesses….bi polar disorder,OCD,ADD,Schizophrenia…I began thinking that I had these things, and it was making me go crazy…literally.

She told me that I needed to find someone that was going through the same thing I was with drugs, and have someone to talk to besides the people at AA and NA, because even they werent enough….I thought, well, if they’re not here already, where the hell am I gonna just find someone thats not going to just tempt me to use again!? I had no idea.

Phase 4: James (addiction and withdrawl put together, no recovery)

The morning of July 24th 2008, I was up until 4 a.m…I couldn’t sleep, because even though I was off the drugs, my mind and body werent used to running themselves all alone, so my sleep patterns were erratic, my thoughts were erratic, I was moody as all get up, and the worst part was, that I couldn’t control it…one thing I hated about drugs, was now in my sober life as well…

I was on the computer at my mom’s house, thats all I did for those months, because I couldn’t hang with real people, for fear of falling back into an old trap…it was hard, but it would’ve been harder to quit all over again.

I was on “Myspace”, which was at the peak of its popularity at that time, browsing through the server to find people to talk to. I was so lonely, I didn’t have any friends anymore, I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t have a phone, because my dad didnt want me getting ahold of those people from my old life, so essentially, I was entirely alone….

I had browsed that thing for days, and never found anyone worth talking to,especially not someone who was going through the same thing I was at the time, if anything, I realized that there are more drug addicts and pot heads on myspace than there are sober people for sure…

but tonight, I had a different feeling about it..I decided that I was just going to randomly click someone, and just send them a message, no matter who it was, or if it was a guy or a girl, or cute or not, I was gonna, just because…

I scrolled down, closed my eyes, clicked on a little box with a face in it, and I found……..

James.

He was cute. I noticed that first…and was releived…thinking, “wow, that was lucky”…Then I started looking closer…

The background on his page was of a band that I love, ‘TOOL’…I scrolled down, and read the little blurb about himself, and what does it say?

“I’m bored with drugs and alcohol, just looking for some cool new friends to chill with” or something along those lines…

I was releived at that too, “good, he’s not into anything I don’t wanna be dealing with, so thats a good thing…”

scrolling down further, at the ‘who id like to meet’ section, was where it got even weirder…

“Creative funny person, someone with a interesting personality to get to know, someone who I can share an intelligent conversation with, but yet also enjoy a comfortable silence”

This weirded me out, because MY section like that said,

“New,Funny,Exciting people…calm laid back people to chill me out,someone I can have an intense conversation about the human psyche with, yet also be able to do nothing and not be bored.”

It was pretty much the same things….

So to make a reallllllly long story short, I sent him a message, he sent me one back, within a week, we were talking every day…we got along so well it was creepy. We were so alike, I’ve never met anyone that I could relate to so well…We talked about addictions, and our problems with it, and our regular lives, meetings, treatment, and all this other random stuff, but at this point, I was so happy to have found him…that night I was going to break down, I would’ve re-lapsed big time, and then he shows up….

After about a week or so of talking online, we had so much to say to eachother that we started talking on the phone. I remember being so nervous the first time he called, when I saw his number on the caller ID..man, that was the worst case of butterflies I’ve ever gotten….But when I picked up, it was just crazy, his voice…it was so smooth and deep and just exactly how I had pictured it sounding before we had talked…

After that, we would stay up all night long and talk for 8 or 9 hours some nights, then I would wake up and go to school, and he would go to work, we would text all day long, and I was never happier. Loss of sleep was absolutely no problem, we didn’t care.

That went on for a few months, we decided one of us was going to come and visit the other as soon as possible,but both of us knew it would be a long time before that could happen. There was one thing that was absolutely positive though, I fell completely and totally in love with him, very quickly…

He would send me things, I would send him things, we’d send eachother funny movies, and pictures and letters, candy and presents that made us think of eachother…It was like a dream, I never thought I could be so happy with someone so far away. Then summer came, and we kept talking, doing the same thing,he would sing me songs when I was going to sleep, he red me a poem that he wrote one night that I still remember….I was sleeping outside in a tent that night, it was kind of scary, but as soon as I was talking to him, everything was ok, I wasn’t scared of anything anymore…and we talked and laughed all night. We’d sit there on the phone in complete silence sometimes, because we were so tired, but never hung up, because we wanted to know that the other was still there….it was almost like we were together on those nights.

We’d have our dramas, my phone bill would be $400 and I wouldn’t be able to talk to him for a few weeks….it was difficult. We started to second guess if it was a good idea to keep in touch until we could see eachother. I missed him so much all the time, I just wanted him to be there, and it was the same for him, it was to the point where it was almost painful that we couldn’t see eachother.

After some time,I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I loved him, I knew I would always love him, so I wasn’t worried about losing him…he had said that he would wait.But I couldn’t talk to him without him being there. It hurt, we could talk and talk and talk, but all I wanted was to be able to hold him, feel him there, and he couldn’t be.

So I told him. I told him I’d write him letters, I told him I’d keep in touch, but that  I couldn’t do what we had been doing anymore. It was the hardest thing to do, and I regretted it immediately, but I had to stand my ground…At this point, it would’ve been 7 months before the next time that I could see him, and it seemed like forever….

After about a month, I was already in another relationship…not because I liked the guy, I thought I liked him, but I just couldn’t get James out of my head. I thought that if I could be with someone else, that maybe I’d be distracted from him until we could be together….I knew I’d never love this new guy as much as James, I’d never love anyone as much as James, and it made my stomach sick thinking about it…thinking about whether he was doing the same thing I was….but I didn’t want to know if he was…because at that point, it would’ve killed me….

At first, I didnt want to tell him, because I knew he would think that I was giving up on him, that I was cheating somehow, and I so felt like I was, even though in all technicality what I was doing was fine….

By the time I realized all this, that being with this guy wasn’t going to help me forget James, that I just needed to suck it up and wait…it was too late, I had told James, we had started talking again, and yet I was still with the other guy…but I wasn’t happy with him…I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, that I still loved someone else…

But I told him about James anyway. I told him the whole story, and how we met…everything, and explained to him that even though I was with him and loved him too, I would always love James, I don’t remember if I told him I would always love James more, or if I decided that would have been too harsh, but in any event, the new guy knew all about James and I, but for some reason he stayed…my hope was that he would realize that it was fruitless to be with me, because I would never love him as much as James,but he never saw it, he just stayed with me…

Our relationship was weird. It was good, but more like a good friendship…but he was very protective, and didn’t like a lot of the things I did, and I started to feel guilty about it…he was much older than me, and didn’t really seem to know what he was doing with his life, he just kind of went with the flow, and that was fine, because I was never one for structure..We had a lot of     fun, a lot of laughs, but no one approved of him for me…he was a good guy, but everyone told me he wasn’t right for me…but I already knew this. My mom, who knew all about James, and was there to listen to me talk about him for endless hours, even told me that I didn’t belong with this guy, that I needed to be with James, and this was months after James and I hadnt talked in a while……..Thats when I decided that I just couldn’t do it anymore…I could’nt keep leading this guy on, and letting him fall more in love with me, when the amount of love I had for him was limited, and had reached its limit long ago…

I couldn’t keep letting James sit there confused about what the hell I was doing, and letting it look like I had forgotten about him, and everything we were supposed to be…I never forgot about him, and there were very few times that I was with the other guy, that I didnt think of James at all. I never told him this, but I couldn’t even sleep with him, because it would have felt like the ultimate betrayal to James, and I wouldn’t have been able to tell him if I had….now I see that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but I don’t regret it…thats one thing I don’t regret….

For 4 months I was with the other guy, and that was enough…he was funny,sweet,there was nothing wrong with him, except maybe a jealous tinge, but he wasn’t my James, he just wasn’t.And all I wanted the whole time was to be 2500 miles away, holding James, hearing him tell me that everything was o.k, that he’d never leave…..that we’d never have to be so far apart again…

He always said he didn’t mind waiting, he always told me that he would wait as long as he had to, even though I didn’t expect him to….but I let him know as soon as I broke up with the other guy, and I told him everything, how I felt so bad, how I didn’t know how to tell him, how I loved him more than anything and I was sorry for what I had done….

At that point, I figured that we were in silent agreement to wait for eachother until one of us could make the trip…I still thought about him every day, read his letters, and looked at all the little things he had sent me,kept them in a box all together….and for once, I was at peace again. I didn’t need another man, I didn’t look for one…I had my James, and he was gonna wait for me just like we always talked about………………………………………………

but I was WRONG.

For some time after we’d been talking again, he all of the sudden didn’t call me anymore, didn’t text me or message me, and I began to get worried. I thought maybe something had happened to him, maybe he was in trouble with the law or financially again, and there was no way of knowing…..I thought about it everyday, I worried every day…

Until one day,

I had called him twice in the last week or so, left messages telling him I was worried about him and to call me back if he could…I’d texted him, I’d sent him a message online…and for over a week he never replied to any of them…I had a feeling in my gut, the worst, sick feeling, that something was wrong…he was in trouble, or worse…he had found another girl…

I got online and went to his profile, I hadn’t been there in months because I didn’t need to…I had a perfect picture of him in my mind…I scrolled down, and saw that he had deleted all of my comments, all of the ones that said how I missed him, or had anything like “miss you love you”…they were all gone, and the only ones left were the casual ones….

I didn’t understand…was he mad at me? what was going on? I had done nothing since we started talking again to make him do this…so I looked at his pictures, I missed that face so much, I didn’t even realize how much until I saw him…I wanted to cry….

And then I scrolled down a little more, and saw a picture of him with a girl….and I automatically knew everything..I knew what was going on, why he deleted my comments, why he wasnt talking to me………and I really did start crying…I have NEVER cried over a boy…….but he’s not just any boy….

Somehow, I could feel this coming…I had done the same thing to him, so I couldn’t be angry for what he was doing, but I could almost guarantee that he wasnt doing it for the same reason I did. He was probably going to fall in love with this girl, and forget about me, and I’d never ever have my James, we would never ever be able to be together like we knew we should have been.

We both knew how perfect we were together.

After that, all I could think about was why he didn’t just tell me, why he waited for me to find out on my own, why he let me sit here thinking about him every single day, and waiting for him, when he knew what he was doing, and that I would never know unless he told me…..I couldnt understand it, and it shattered me.

I texted him…all I could think of to say, was to ask if he had a girlfriend now or something…

I sat there looking at my phone until he texted me back….and when he did, I didn’t read it for at least 5 minutes…I didnt want to know what it said, I already knew…and it ripped my heart out of my chest when I read what he wrote…

he said “yea, I do have one now. I’m sorry” or something along those lines….

and I just started uncontrollably crying. He was so nonchallant about it…so guilty…he didn’t even tell me!!!! I had to find out alone, and deal with it alone as well, because at that point, I didn’t know what to do…I didn’t know what to say to him…my stomach wanted to jump out of my body….it felt as if everything was completely twisted up inside, and burning……………………….

I couldn’t talk to him anymore…it hurt too bad….

so I wrote him a message saying everything on my mind, everything I wish I would’ve said before, so that maybe this wouldn’t have happened…even though I know its too late……

I wrote it, sent it, told him I still love him more than anything in the world, and to read the message, and that I couldn’t talk anymore….He sent me back a text saying not to forget about him, that he still wanted me, but he couldn’t hurt the ones involved…that I know him and he doesnt expect me to wait,and not to forget how good we should have been together. He said “love you too baby girl” the thing I had loved so much when he used to say it to me….and I stopped reading…I was crying so hard, I called him, but he didnt pick up the phone…so I left a message, trying not to cry, and not sound upset…but I know I did anyway…I didn’t really know what to say either, and don’t remember what I ended up saying, but then he txted me that he had no reception, and he’d call at 11 his time….

but he never called….

So thats the end of the James and Hannah story….

The abrupt, harsh ending….

For him, that’s the REAL ending, because he’s moved on……….

For me, I don’t know how to move on. All of my attempts at moving on had failed after him…so now I’m lost, and have no idea what to do. I’ve been thrown away like a piece of garbage…while I was sitting like a statue waiting for him…

there will never be another James, I will never have as much love for anyone as I have for him, because he took it all, I gave it to him, and I can’t seem to take it away, even though he doesn’t want it anymore……..

And now I’m completely lost.

reflections of your past through time,

Each new life an old one dies,

Just a circle  that you can’t rewind,

The heat of day beneathe your skin,

weight of a heart so full of sin,

negativity weighs on your shoulders,

pushing  you down while your hands grow colder,

lungs force the air but it cuts like knives,

faking faces and counting lives,

losing all process that keeps you alive,

your last thoughts die as you fight to survive,

Decide your path when your faith leaves you,

Decide, what you are when they decide they dont need you,

Decide your truth when your trust deceives you,

Decide your sanity when your mind wont beleive you.

]]> http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/decide/feed/ 0 hannahsamano http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/greed-will-kill-me/ http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/greed-will-kill-me/#comments Sat, 20 Jun 2009 01:25:38 +0000 hannahsamano http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/?p=99 ]]> behind smoke and mirrors I try to hide,

these tricks I play on my own mind,

craving the attention I try to buy,

Money can’t get me what I need inside,

these tales I spin to seem more normal.

to seem like I don’t feel so empty,

and all the while, theres nothing there,

This shell of deciet is whats left of me,

The whole point is that no one sees,

except I think everyone can,

through this fake happiness and the smiles,

and the dwindling drink in my hand,

I’ m so sick of fooling myself,

so tired of trying too hard,

letting myself be used up and thrown away,

for a moment of feeling in my heart,

deep down inside they don’t understand,

this need for safety, for protection,

the one thing I look for in every man,

but have found in none, and never will,

I don’t need it, I just think that I do,

no matter who I try to find it inside,

its never enough, never enough,

my greed for attention and affection is too much.

some new game to be played and forgotten.

I am not an object to be examined,

A plastic shell to be used and thrown away.

I am not just a body,

With an empty head and hollow heart.

I am not  a prize,

to be fought over and won by trophy hunters.

I am a fragile soul,

preyed upon by greedy devils.

I am a delicate rose,

smothered by spring’s late frost,

Let the swine of the earth think it tempts me with its foul breath at my neck,

and let them writhe alone in hell for the sickness of their hearts.

from the filthy hands of man,

maybe then I’ll find some place,

an honest hill where I can stand.

If the clouds cover my lucid words,

and the rain floods through my brain,

maybe then I’ll find some place,

a moment to be sane.

Where I look, I see no one,

I reach my hand into empty air,

the realizations of my character,

creep like spiders through my hair,

Every inch of my soul is drained away,

this  falsity of a life slipping through a siv,

and every word that I have ever said,

my head plays back and re-lives,

where is the truth I always saw,

in my own heart I believed it was there,

and the hate that I felt for everyone else,

while my words were as bad as theirs,

I am lost now, for a moment.

Until I find myself again.

I wont be the same, I’ll be different,

not pretending to understand.

I’ll be the way I always wished I was,

and not bury and hide the truth,

I am starting to re-learn how to live,

and the rest of life will be proof.

Every smile, every laugh, every happy thought,

you were perfection,

and no one could tell me otherwise,

Don’t apologize now,

I see who you are,

And forever on this heart,

I’ll carry these scars,

My heart got ahold of  the idea of forever,

My head and my heart disagreed,

I thought you really meant forever,

but your forever was never meant for me,

for you, I was everything perfect,

for you,because I thought you deserved it,

how could you love me, use me, then leave me for her,

well, you taught me to run before I get hurt,

Don’t apologize now, I see who you are,

I’ve heard it too many times,

to hear it again is just too hard

those hands were so safe,

I felt like nothing could touch me,

but the whole time they held me,

they weren’t thinking of me,

You held my heart in your hands,

I held the world in mine,

Pretending for so long,

but the truth came with time,

I saw past your imperfections,

the lies your lips told,

but an Iron fist destroys a heart of gold.

]]> http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/a-heart-of-gold/feed/ 0 hannahsamano http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/03/17/a-long-babbling-example-of-some-of-my-thought-processes-for-the-day/ http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/2009/03/17/a-long-babbling-example-of-some-of-my-thought-processes-for-the-day/#comments Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:13:14 +0000 hannahsamano http://hannahsamano.wordpress.com/?p=82 ]]> Sometimes, It seems like everyone is moving so fast that no one takes the time to notice everything thats really happening around them.

Sadly, no matter how much of a concious effort I make to NOT be one of those people, I find myself being one quite often…

Every day, I wake up at roughly the same time  (usually later than I probably should), I run around getting ready to go, make my coffee, grab a granola bar, yell for my brother towake up, until finally he does, (5 minutes before we have to go out the door), I always forget something because I am SO not a morning person…and then spill half my coffee going down the driveway, (becuase its pure mud and feels like some sort of off-roading safari adventure simulation) and then proceed on to school…to do the same thing, talk to the same people, learn nothing, and come home to bicker with my brother about whatever happens to be on the fight menu that day (usually his chores, his mouth, or his laziness…in no particular order).

           Today however, was an unusual type of day. Upon arriving at my doorstep, after a lovely 1/2 mile muddy treck up the driveway, I came to the realizaton that I had left my house key…inside the house. Since my brother is the responsible one, (or the less forgetful, I can’t decide which) I always rely on HIM to have the key. Come to find out, he had something to do after school, and wouldn’t be home for another hour. So, I proceeded to check every window and door, (which I knew was fruitless since my dad locks and unlocks everything twice before he leaves). After coming to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to get in until my brother got home, I decided to pull out a lawn chair, and enjoy the sunny day…all of the sudden, a little bee comes and lands on me… and this is what he inspired: (hahaha)

                Life fascinates me. Theres always so much going on, but we’re so used to that it has just become background noise…something to ignore. A little bee came up and landed on me…observed things, walked around on his delicate little feet, and then flew around, and came back again, to observe this new obstruction in his flying space. After he flew away fro the final time, I thought about all of the people that I know, that would have thought I was crazy for letting a bee walk around on me…and how many of them probably would have jumped up and flailed around, afraid of something a 10,000th of their size.  I find that thought funny.

When you think about it, there are a lot of human behaviors that are solely based on completely illogical fears. Fear of a bee? why?? Why be afraid of something so small? Yes, it stings; only if you provoke it. What else is to be afraid of? Everything that can be feared has to be provoked somehow or another. A little bee, if one could only stop for a moment and try to think of the exact reason why they have the reaction they do towards so small and harmless a creature, or anything for that matter, wouldn’t things be so much easier?

Ah, If only our lives were as simple as a bee’s. In process, the bee’s life is actually very structured…they have colonies and ‘families’ and specific jobs. And much like humans, you can tell a lot about a bee just by looking at it. Is it a worker bee? or the queen bee? or a guard bee perhaps? Most people really don’t care…they just want to end the little bee life as quickly as possible, as if they have the right to choose when the little bee dies. It’s really makes people look quite ruthless…

Anyways,

most people never think about the complexity of it, that it is a life…whether its a bee, or anything else. They simply see a bee, and somewhere in their brains, a reaction goes off that makes them feel it is necessary to destroy it.  You ask why, and they couldn’t give you a good answer.

Why fear things for no reason, and be constantly consumed by your fear, when you oculd just stop, and observe, and realize that if you stay still, you could actually learn from the bee, or the spider, or the ant, or the caterpillar…You will realize, that YOU are actually the one that is invading, and all it is doing is looking at you, seeing if you are of any value to it’s purpose. When it finds out that you aren’t, it leaves, and you both go about your business. Imagine if everyone killed on impulse because of fear, what kind of world this would be? Well, many already do…and look what it accomplishes. absolutely nothing.

Enough about the bee…

What if this principle were applied to ALL of the fears in your life?

Fear of death for example. Why fear the inevitable? Everyone will die someday, one way or another. So why dwell on it, and possibly prevent yourself from living a full and meaningful life?

I think two scenarios exist:

1.) A person thinks of death destructively: “I”m going to die anyway, I could die at any moment. Why plan ahead? why waste my time doing this or that….”

2.)A person thinks of death constructively: “I”m going to die. I could die any moment. I might as well get as much done as possible, and enjoy every minute that I can, be the best person I can be…because I DONT know when it could all be over.”

——–>(I’ll finish this thought about what people think about death later…I lost it here. haha)

I think that in order to be happy, a person needs to try to find the beauty in every single thing they encounter,because there is ALWAYS more than meets the eye. Understand that the only perfection in this world, is the fact that everything is so IMPERFECT.

As human beings, I think we find it very hard to accept that fact. We constantly strive for perfection…and go to extreme measures to achieve something that is impossible. Instead of lingering on the idea that nothing is perfect however, and that something by the definition of ‘perfect’ does not exist, one can use that knowledge as a tool to better your understanding, and your observations of what society(not just ours) percieves as perfection.

fun quote:(hahaha)

“It is better to know oneself, and let others know you by observing you, than to TELL others who you are, and be proven naive or a liar.”

annnnnnnd…..

Then Mark came home.

Red eyes of addiction and poison-laced blood,

The stench of dependence heavy in the air,

Tortured soul squirming as I lay alone there,

Close my eyes,and in flood the same dreams,

All waking moments filled with fake things,

A cycle unbreakable in an addict like me,

I keep going on, pretending nobody sees,

 These moments are constantly played on repeat,

Thoughts believed to be drowned, now follow me,

Hiding  inside these pills and these powders,

As the screams I suppress grow ever louder,

The smell of burnt metal burns in my lungs,

I breathe deeper, sink deeper, into what I’ve become.

I don’t know what is fake, or what is real,

I need more, give me more to numb what I feel.

I’ve done to myself what I hated to see,

Watched my own blood turn black with disease,

I toss and turn, try to wake from these dreams,

but it’s out of my hands, this monster I feed.

Scars burn on my skin, but I hide them well,

So no one can see that I’ve sunk into hell,

concealed in this coffin,filled to the brim,

I sink into the ground with the weight of my sins,

In 6 hours or less, the craving will hit me,

My mind will struggle to set my body free,

If  this is my death, I pray it comes quickly,

 And If deaths’ what it takes, god forgive me.